What are friends, and how many do you actually need? (2024)

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What is a friend?-

We all have our idea of what a friend is, but how do specialists define a “friend?” Mariam-Webster, for instance, defines a friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” Of course there are many other similar definitions in other sources, but what do they actually mean?

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What is friendship?-

According to biological anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist Professor Robin Dunbar, friendship is "the number of people you can have a relationship with involving trust and obligation―there's some personal history, not just names and faces."

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How many people do we know?-

According to Professor Dunbar's research on historical data about group sizes, humans have mostly organized themselves in groups of up to 150 people.

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How many people do we know?-

This number has been fairly consistent throughout history, from hunter-gatherer groups to social media. This however, does not mean that all these people are actual close friends.

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Doomsday Book-

The Doomsday Book of 1086 was a survey of land and landholding, and it constitutes the UK's earliest public record. The average village size on record had 150 people.

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Swedish Tax Authority-

In 2007, the Swedish Tax Authority restructured their offices to have a maximum 150 employees per office, based on Dunbar's research.

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Social circles-

Professor Dunbar suggests that five people is the average number of close loved ones we have. This is followed by up to 15 good friends.

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Social circles-

The circle then expands. We can have up to 50 friends, 150 meaningful contacts, 500 acquaintances, and 1,500 people we can recognize.

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Social brain-

Research conducted by Oxford University suggests that there is a "correlation of brain size to social group sizes in non-human primates." This has lead to the hypothesis that human brains are larger to accommodate wider social connections.

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Social brain-

The size of the neocortex in particular (the part of the brain responsible for cognition and language) may be connected to group size.

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Social brain-

"The number of individuals a person can maintain true relationships with is limited by the programming of our brain," says biological anthropologist Erin Wayman. But "even with all the supporting evidence, it's hard to prove that primates, including humans, evolved large brains in response to the social challenges of group living," she adds.

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How about social media?-

In the age of social media, it's common for people to have thousands of "friends." But does social media have a real impact on social groups? Research conducted by Indiana University looked at 1.7 million Twitter (now X) users, and might just have the answer.

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How about social media?-

It turns out, "users can entertain a maximum of 100–200 stable relationships." This strengthens Professor Robin Dunbar's research.

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We still need face-to-face interactions-

Social media and technology as a whole cannot replace real-word interactions. This is how we connect as humans, and without these we are unlikely to develop deeper, meaningful friendships.

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What makes a good friend?-

Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University, suggests that good friendship traits fall into three categories: integrity, caring, and congeniality. These then can be split into a number of traits. Let's take a look at each of them.

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What makes a good friend?-

These three categories apply to both us and our friends, and can be further broken down into specific traits. Let's take a look these, too.

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Traits of integrity: trustworthiness-

This is what Dr. Degges-White calls the "make or break" trait in a friendship, and it's easy to understand why. We need to be able to trust the other person to have a meaningful relationship where we can open up, be vulnerable, and be our authentic selves.

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Traits of integrity: honesty-

Friends must be able to speak openly and honestly with each other. In a world where everyone is so careful with words, a friend's words must be objective and express true opinions, ideas, and feelings.

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Traits of integrity: being dependable-

Being dependable is a very important trait in a friend. We need to know we can count on a friend; that our friends will be there when they say they will.

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Traits of integrity: loyalty-

Our friends need to be loyal to us, and vice-versa. We need to know they stick by our side, that they don't spill our secrets to anyone, etc.

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Traits of caring: empathy-

Friendship implies caring for each other, and one way to do this is to be empathic. A friend should be able to understand what is going on with us, interact, and respond accordingly.

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Traits of caring: being non-judgmental-

We should be okay with accepting our friend's choices and opinions, especially when they are not the same as ours.

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Traits of caring: good listening skills-

A friend is supposed to listen to you, and vice-versa. We want to share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others, and that's what friends are for.

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Traits of caring: being supportive in bad times-

A friend should be there for us when we go through bad times. We should feel supported by those we call friends when we are struggling.

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Traits of caring: being supportive in good times-

The same goes for when good things happen in our lives. We should be able to count on people who support us and are happy, not envious or bitter, about our success.

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Traits of congeniality: self-confidence-

Traits of congeniality are not deal breakers, but they are important in a friend. One of them is self-confidence. This is an appealing characteristic in a friend, and one that can have a positive impact in our own lives as self-confidence can be inspiring and even contagious.

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Traits of congeniality: fun to be around-

We all like to be around fun people. And by fun, we don't mean your friends need to entertain you at all times. We mean people who don't always carry a negative energy and drag you down with it.

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Traits of congeniality: able to see the humor in life-

It's not all doom and gloom, right? Bad things happen all the time, so it's important to not take life so seriously.

Sources: (Owlcation) (Psychology Today) (Smithsonian Magazine) (BBC) (The Guardian) (The New Yorker) (Merriam-Webster)

See also: The ultimate signs to tell fake friends from real friends

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